Parents Who Breed Bullies

             Another aspect of the bullying phenomenon that really strikes a chord for me is parents who encourage their children to bully, whether intentionally or not.

 Some parents want nothing more than for their children to be popular and cool.  I think most of these parents fit into two categories. 

One category is that of the formerly unpopular as a child, wannabe-cool-mom (though this can certainly apply to dads, too).  This type of parent feels like she can redeem her previously dorky days and increase her “coolness” vicariously through her children if they belong to this higher social caste that she herself never got to experience.  What better way to show those bullies of her own day a lesson than by encouraging her child to similarly torment others? Yeah… right.

The other category is for the parents who were one of those popular bully types back in their childhood days.  Even if the memory is subconscious, it’s likely that they remember how badly they made the less popular kids feel, and they don’t want their child to experience the pain of being victimized now.  So better to teach them to be the predator, than the prey. Or maybe these parents’ memories are more positive in the sense that they don’t focus on the feelings of their poor victims, but of how great it felt to rule the school.  Either way, they want what they think is best for their children.

But really, how is it desirable to have your children directly causing another’s pain and anguish?  Would you want to live with the guilt that your encouragement, and your child’s actions, led to extreme suffering (and possibly even suicide in some cases) for innocent victims?  There is nothing cool about it. 

If your child’s social ranking is of importance to you, teach them that popularity should be about being the friend everyone wants to have for GOOD reasons… not because others are afraid of them! Being kind, fun, considerate, trustworthy, making others feel happy in his/her presence, etc --- these are the traits we should all be striving for, and the qualities we should foster in our children.  Raising children who learn to climb the social ladder via harassing and tormenting others is NOT something of which to be proud. 

By Robyn Goldberg and Mark Dworkin LCSW